Sunday, November 18

Movie Sequels We Need

Who doesn't love sequels? Certainly no red-blooded American. But, sadly, some movies never get sequels. Why? And what can we do about it?

I think the only thing to do is for us to show truth to power, and point out these omissions. Maybe we can inspire some Hollywood hack who has lost his way. If even one sequel gets made that would have otherwise been an original idea, wouldn't it be worth it?

So, here's my list of sequels I need to see:

• Independence Day 2: Oh Crap The Aliens Closed Their Firewall
  
• I Also Robot, How You?
  
• Lake Shmonsequence
  
• The List Schindler Kept In His Other Pants
  
• Fight Club 2: Helena Bonham-Carter Was Also Just in His Head
  
• Vertigo 2: Carsick
  
• American History XI
  
• Three Kill a Mockingbird
  
• Spider-Man 3: For Real This Time
  
• Faster and Dumber or Dumb and Furious (mash-up)
  
• Memento 2: More Super-Depressing Backward Stuff
  
• A.I. 2: We Are Not Aliens We Are Super-Advanced Robots Read the Title Fucking Duh
  
• The Treasure of the Sierra Madre 2: We Still Do Not Require Any Form of Identification
  
• The Piano 2: More of That Guy's Penis
  
• Triple Indemnity
  
• The Santa Clause 3: Now You Have To, Let's Say... Jump Up and Down
  
• Reservoir Puppies (prequel)
  
• The Sting 2: We Swear There Is No Twist Ending LOL
  
• Braveheart 2: It's Different When You Know He's Crazy
  
• Blade Runner 2: Just Kidding It's Really Just Another Cut of Blade Runner
  
• W for Wowiamangry
  
• Shrek 2 Oh Wait There Was a Shrek 2
  
• Shrek 3 Also, I Guess, I Did Not See It
  
• It Happened Again on a Different Night
  
• The Conversation 2: Not That Crappy Movie with Will Smith That Was a Pretend Sequel
  
• Garfield 3: 2 in the Head, 1 in the Chest
  
• North by Northwest 2: If You See the Dairy Queen You've Gone Too Far
  
• The Oranges of Anger
  
• The Lion King 2: If I'm Lion I'm Dyin'
  
• Big Fish 2: Now MY Son has Grown Up and He Hates ME for Being a Big Liar
  
• Dial L for Larceny (prequel)
  
• Rosemary's Second Child Who Didn't Get as Many Photos Taken of Her
  
• Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Actually We Just Explain the Previous Two Films
  
• Taxi Driver 2: Crazy Taxi (in conjunction with Sega)
  
• Serpents on a Submarine or Boas on a Boat or Rattlesnakes on a Railroad or Cottonmouths in a Car (pick only one)
  
• Glad I Ate Him
  
• Blazing Saddles 2: Chapped Asses
  
• The Princess Bride 2: Hollywood is Full of Whores
  
• Sex and the City: We Really Aren't Very Sexy Any More, To Be Honest
  
• The Gun Just Below That Top One
  
• M.A.S.H. 2: Apparently Some People Have Forgotten That War Is Bad
  
• E.E.T.: An Extra Extra-Terrestrial
  
• Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind: We're Boning Aliens
  
• Deliverance 2: There's a Lot of Nerves Back There, It Can Feel Kind of Nice
  
• A Streetcar Named Desire 2: A Lamppost Named Phyllis
  

Labels: humor?